What to say to your co-parent (and what not to)

Co-parenting communication is one of the hardest things I work on with clients. Even with the best intentions, the wrong sentence can detonate a week of progress.

Here's what I teach my co-parenting clients — including the parents who use Two Paths, the co-parenting app I co-founded and lead clinically.

The single most important rule

Write every message as if your future judge will read it.

Not because you're planning litigation — but because that framing strips out everything that doesn't serve the actual goal. Sarcasm, blame, history, score-keeping, the urge to be right. None of that helps. All of it shows up in custody court if you ever end up there.

The BIFF framework

Every co-parent message should be:

Bill Eddy, who developed the BIFF framework, is one of the most-cited authorities in high-conflict co-parenting. The framework works because it removes the surface area that escalation needs.

What to say vs. what not to say

Here are real examples from my practice — names changed.

Pickup logistics

**Don't say:** "You're 20 minutes late AGAIN. The kids are upset. This is exactly why they can't count on you."

**Do say:** "Hi — wanted to confirm you're still planning to pick up at 5:30 today. Please text when you're on the way."

Why: the second version conveys the same information without giving them ammunition or starting a fight.

When they say something that's not true

**Don't say:** "That's a lie. You absolutely said you'd take them on Tuesday. You always do this."

**Do say:** "My memory of our last conversation is different — I had Tuesday on my calendar. Going forward, let's confirm exchanges in writing."

Why: "My memory is different" is harder to fight with than "you're lying." And the procedural fix ("let's confirm in writing") prevents the next round of this.

About the kids' behavior

**Don't say:** "Maya's been acting out since she came home from your place. What did you let her watch?"

**Do say:** "Maya's been having a hard time the last two days. I wanted to flag it in case you're seeing the same. Anything from your end I should know about?"

Why: the second version makes you partners in figuring out what's going on, not adversaries.

When you want something

**Don't say:** "I'm taking the kids to my mom's for the weekend. Hope that's okay."

**Do say:** "I'd like to take the kids to my mom's June 8-9. That's a weekend they're typically with you. Can we swap to June 15-16, or is there another weekend that works?"

Why: the first version assumes consent and creates resentment. The second version respects their schedule and offers a clear solution.

When you're hurt

**Don't say:** "I can't believe you brought your girlfriend to Jake's recital. He told me he saw her there. You said you wouldn't introduce them yet."

**Do say:** "I'd like to talk about how we're handling new partner introductions. Can we set up a time this week?"

Why: the first version is a missile. The second is a request for a real conversation, in the right format.

What to do when they send you a missile

Every co-parent at some point gets a 4-paragraph text full of accusations, history, and emotion. Here's what to do.

1. Don't respond immediately

The urge to respond fast is exactly the trap. Wait at least 4 hours. Sleep on it if it's late.

2. Respond to the logistics only

Find the one piece of actual information or request in the message. Respond to that. Ignore the rest.

3. Keep your response shorter than theirs

If they wrote 500 words, you write 50. The asymmetry is the point.

4. Example response to a 4-paragraph attack

"Hi — saw your message. Sounds like there's a lot going on. For the pickup question: yes, I'll be there at 5:30 on Friday. Let's set up a time to talk about the rest in person if needed."

That's it. Don't engage with the attack. Don't defend yourself. Don't rebut the history. Logistics only.

What never to put in writing

When you can't do this on your own

Some co-parenting situations are too dysregulating to handle without support. That's not a failing — it's a sign that the work is real.

I see co-parents individually and as pairs, in Los Angeles and via telehealth across California and Texas. I'm also the co-founder and clinical lead of **Two Paths**, a co-parenting app that gives you the structure (custody calendar, court-grade documentation, AI tools that help you write messages without escalating) for the day-to-day work between sessions.

The hardest co-parenting conversations are still hard. But they don't have to be impossible.